Marcus Stegmaier
5 September 2018.
Adolescence
“The meaning of a word applies only to the mind and not to life.” - Dr. Vijai S. Shankar
The word "adolescence" is a red rag for many parents. Just mentioning the word "adolescence" leads to emotional and rational discussions at the parents' table, at family parties and on social networks. One is annoyed by the unpredictable and undesirable behaviour of young people and claims that this did not happen in the past.
Diagnoses such as "pubertal behaviour" in or outside adolescence or "defiant stubbornness" in the supposed defiant phase of small children prevent an empathic connection and lead directly into a power struggle. Adults should ask themselves whether they themselves are not caught in a phase of struggle and non-acceptance. What one says about others is oneself, because the meaning of a word refers only to one's own mind and not to life. This wisdom is especially true when children are accused of "defiance" and "puberty".
Parents who cannot lovingly and patiently accompany their own children in every situation are, so to speak, still in a pubertal phase and have not yet been evolved by life into a mature adult. There is nothing wrong with this, for it is not man who controls his physical and mental development, but life. Neither is the behaviour of young people wrong. This must be understood.
Constant change is the essence of life that cannot be stopped. Therefore, life is an illusionary flow of light and sound, as the enlightened proclaim. What does this mean for man's identity? From "pregnant" to "birth of a baby", "toddler", "school child" to a "youth" and finally an "adult" - these are the human identities. The name of one and the same person changes constantly. This shows how illusory the words that describe our ego are. The own name, given by the parents, pretends a constancy of our identity, which does not withstand the exact investigation. Therefore, the question arises: "Who or what am I really?“ This question in particular seems to occupy young people during adolescence, when they realize how their externally mediated identities are constantly changing.
Newborns are completely dependent on their parents, especially their mother. Caring for the newborn means being there for the child, that is, meeting its needs and protecting it from danger. When the child begins to speak, it is automatically attributed its own will. This will exists without doubt, but the will happens to man and is not free. The enlightened have proclaimed that man is not the doer. So man's will is not free either. Nevertheless and precisely because it happens to the child without the child's control, it is important as adults to respect the will of adolescents, however illusory it may be. Age-appropriate freedom and autonomy, albeit illusory, enable children to love and respect themselves and their fellow human beings. Coercion and manipulation usually lead to self-denial, rebellion and again to the urge to manipulate others, at any age.
The expectations of the parents as to how the child should be and the misconception that the will of the child and the parents is free lead to conflicts. "I told you this and that, why didn't you do it the way I wanted you to?!" By using reward and punishment, manipulative praise and blame, the child is not shown unconditional love, but love dependent on conditions. However, it does not matter how much love the children receive, the quality of love is decisive, whether it is unconditional or not.
Especially during adolescence, there are violent arguments in the families. Therefore, this phenomenon is regarded as "normal" and is not questioned any further. Many adolescents have learned exactly how to manipulate others by imitation from their parents and other adults up to adolescence. If they feel strong, they strike back with the same weapons and tend to aggression. If they feel weak, they turn the weapons against themselves and tend to depression. Solutions for this situation are sought on the surface, without understanding the problem in depth.
Desperate parents then like to consult a book of advice, ask friends, parents and in-laws, doctors or psychologists for advice. Often unsolicited advice comes unsolicited. Everyone thinks they know best what to do. Usually the tips refer to how one should keep the upper hand as an adult. Seldom is advice given to listen even more patiently in difficult situations, to seek solutions together and to respect the will of young people, even if one cannot always give in to it. Such insights, which point in the direction of unconditional love, rarely happen to man, because actions, words and thoughts appear real to man. No human being escapes the conditioning that words refer to life, although this is not the truth.
There is no guidance for life. The illusionary flow of life is unpredictable and in every moment life is new and fresh as it is. And since life is always spontaneous, unpredictable and uncontrollable, there is no need for guidance. The body and mind of every adult and child is exactly as it should be at every moment. However, not as the conditioned mind expects one to be. Man has not made the moment in which everything in life is manifested. The moment in life was there long before man. Therefore, man cannot control what happens in the moment.
In the moment there is only a singular movement of light and sound that reflects individuals and actions, albeit illusory. The human mind mistakenly believes that the words that designate actions reflect reality in life. Life is without beginning and without end. Actions would need a beginning and an end to be real. However, since the singular movement of life never stops, every apparent action of an apparent individual is contained in the individual flow of life. An individual consists of atoms and atoms do not consist of man or a certain individual, but of light. Since light is everything that exists in life, there is no real separation between man and life. Life reflects an individual. Words thus fake a reality in life, although everything only happens in the human mind.
The wise understanding of "adolescence" is: The meaning of the word "adolescence" refers to the ideas, interpretations and fears of the mind, but not to life as it is. It is wise to understand, if it happens, that parents project their own thoughts and ideas, demands and expectations through words onto their children. Looking into the book of life as it is, one gains trust in life in every situation instead of listening to the illusory words in one's mind as if they were reality. Love and patience are the keys to inner and outer peace – for a successful family life filled with unconditional love.